Call Me 'The Than'
by Dr. Captain Pepper
Summary: Levi A Than has seen the future. He knows the loser he becomes. The memories are firmly ended in his mind. With the disastrous vision that is Levi in the future, he will do whatever it takes to become cool. Rated T for language


**So I'm really excited.  
><strong>I'm really satisfied with how this turned out.

And Levi seriously doesn't get enough love.  
>I see him hated on more than anything, and he's actually a pretty interesting character.<p>

**Let's just get to the Protocol:  
><strong>word count: 3,640

[I do not own any KHR characters]

=Advice/Comments are Loved=

**.Captain.**

* * *

><p>Beep, beep, beep<br>Whoo hoo, whoo hoo  
>RINNNNNGGG!<p>

Within the snap of a finger, a silent room in the Varia mansion became a cacophony of alarming clocks. Light steps faintly sounded under the tweets, beeps, cheeps, and in the next second, the room became silent once more. A man by the name of Levi A Than had successfully turned off his 116 alarm clocks. A snort of satisfaction blew out of his nose as he looked to the ceiling of his room. In bright red, the Italiano had painted the saying:

IN VARIA  
>IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP ON TIME<br>YOU DIE

"I live to see another day."

The man really had no reason to be up at 5:30 in the morning.

Scanning the confines of his quarters, the Varia leader smugly gazed upon all the clocks again. He had any kind of clock you could imagine. There were the tick tocks, the click clocks, and even the ones that go bing bong. Many believed Levi was an avid collector of clocks, but really, the man is just extremely averse to being late.

Past all the clocks, and tocks, and time locks were the posters of his two favorite people: Chrome Dokuro (the woman he is officially in love with) and Xanxus (his benevolent and excellent boss). Plastered on the same wall, the portraits were set perfectly parallel to each other and the edges of the walls. Levi happens to be a very angular man as well. But giving a light scratch to his shadowing jaw, the Varia man felt a sense of awestruck happiness. The life-sized posters of his favorite people were giving him words of encouragement and praise.

'Ahhh, Levi… You. You are a very strong person. Mukuro-sama can't even compare."

He blushed to her secret and kind words.

"Good work Levi, you are my most valued subordinate."

Levi could feel little tears in the corners of his eyes. "Bo—"

BOOM!

Squalo kicked in his door. "GET THE FUCK UP AND QUIT JACKIN' OFF. BREAKFAST IS READY!"

Levi could only stare at the shark blankly. Superbi glared back, but took a second to look at all of Levi before yelling, "AND PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON!"

The door slammed, and Levi's head dropped with a sigh. He didn't get to ask if Squalo if he suffered from weird daydreams like Levi had last night. This then led to the reminder of himself in those dreams… "I looked… so stupid."

He shook his head in disdain.

* * *

><p>Dressed and ready to take on any mission, Levi stared at the tall (and what he considered was an intimidating) man in the mirror wearing their Varia Uniform—on their day off. He smirked to his prowess, his energy flowed to his appeal, and then he noticed that he left his gravure magazines and… other things on the dresser. "Shit!"<p>

The man quickly tucked them away in his underwear drawer. No one will look for that stuff in here, he thought.

He obviously doesn't know Belphegor.

Now that he felt his secret (that everyone knows about) was safe, he swiftly walked out the door. He forgot to hide the lube. Faster than he left, the man raced inside the room, grabbed the clear bottle, and smashed that in the drawer too. "Phew… close one."

He walked out once more—leaving the drawer open.

Outside his sanctuary and now in the dinning hall with some of the Varia leaders, Levi sat quietly as he enjoyed his pastries and coffee in peace. While Lussuria enjoyed his similar breakfast with a slimy green facial mask on and Superbi did the same with hair tied up in a low ponytail, Xanxus enjoyed a steak. The leader of Varia, formally know as Levi A Than, gave an approving nod to his boss who refused to eat the stereotypical breakfast while the Commander rolled his eyes and grumbled. Levi heard Superbi's grumbles, finding them to be confusing. How could he grumble at Boss like that?

The large doors to the dining room open once more to a prince in drag. Xanxus raised a brow to the knife-happy boy that aimlessly wandered into the room like a zombie, and Lussuria let out amused chuckles. Levi then turned to see the Prince clad in a pink polka dot dress and clown make-up.

He spat out the hot coffee in his mouth.

Squalo screamed, "VOOIIIII!"

Hot coffee hair on a beautiful Sunday morning.

* * *

><p>After a series of apologies to his white-haired commander, watching Lussuria and Bel fight to the death, and having his cream-filled pastry smashed in his face, Levi now sat in his room. Freshly clean from a shower and wearing yet another Varia uniform, the man is still huffed. He hasn't had the chance to ask any one of the other members about those memories.<p>

Despite this, he knows his possible future, and he knows _that Levi_ is lame.

Something must change, he thought.

Quickly the man shuffled around in a drawer that he keeps writing utensils, paper, staples, and other things of the sort. Pulling out a pad of paper and his special "Varia Pen" he was given last Christmas, the leader begins to write. A simple title was written on one page as "Everything Lame," and on the other, was the title "How to Turn Cool." Levi is dead set on becoming cool.

Staring at the blank pieces of paper, he instantly became overwhelmed. How does one critique their self in such a manner, he thought. How does one know what's cool, he thought more. HOW AM I TO BECOME COOL IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START! He now thought he was going to have a conniption.

On the table was a slam, then out of Levi, a sigh.

This is impossible, he thought.

Then the light clicked. "I'll just ask the guys for help."

Oh Levi… poor Levi.

Determined was the look on the man's face when he entered the study that all the Varia boys hang out in. Bel, reading one of Levi's dirty playboys, quickly stuffed it in the couch and smiled. Lussuria, painting his toenails a shade of gold, messed up and blamed Bel's fidgeting. And Squalo, sitting like a genie with a towel wrapped over his washed hair, glared at Levi. The leader kept his determination as he declared, "I had weird dreams last night."

Bel started snickering as Lussuria countered him. "Oh my poor boy, Levi. We don't want to hear about your wet dreams turning into nightmares… Unless our Boss has something to with it." Lussuria's thinly sculpted eyebrows were wriggling wildly to fantasies of Boss.

And then Squalo added, "Those weren't dreams. Those were memories of a future that is no more because of the Vongola's defeat over Byakuran and the Millefiore." Everyone's attention snapped over to the towel head. Squalo glared at them all. "What?"

Levi asked, "H-how do you know that?"

"'Cause Boss started yelling and screamin' about it afterwards. When I went to his room to check on him (the shark's room is next to Xanxus'), he threw his glass of whiskey at me yelling that Sawada and his scummy friends can go fuck themselves."

Bel could only snicker while Levi stood astounded at this revelation.

"So you mean—"

Squalo nodded. "Yeah, that was the future."

"Uwah, I looked so stylish! I need to go shopping."

Lussuria smirked and gave one last blow to his golden toes. He then slipped his shoes on to leave as Bel was attempting to slip the stolen magazine under his shirt and wander to his royal abode. Of course, a certain Varia leader, that was feeling more distraught than ever, stopped all of this.

"Wait!"

The three guys stopped and looked at him curiously.

"I need your help! I want to be cool!"

The three looked at one another, looked back at the man with incredulous expressions, and began to laugh in their own ways. Levi's head dropped in shame. Figures that they don't care, he thought. And after this thought, their laughter continued a little while more before the prince slyly muttered, "A prince would never help commoner trash like you be cool."

"You didn't have to call me that! I figured enough from the laugh!"

"Ho ho~, don't be so upset little Levi, we understand puberty is a tough phase in life. We get that you want to fit in, but the sad fact is that you're are going to always be a loser."

They all stared at Lussuria's insult. Squalo then muttered, "Heh, you're one to talk."

"Hey whats tha—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Bellows of the annoyed Boss echoed around the mansion with ease. The four looked at each other before scanning the couches and bookshelves in the room, noting their trembles to Xanxus' fury. Those books don't want to see the Scarface, or his little friend for that matter.

The three apathetic leaders of Varia shifted their gazes back to their fellow leader who was dragging himself out of the room. Bel grinned and snickered, showing the two by him the stolen magazine. Lussuria only shook his head and snorted while Squalo rolled his eyes.

"Oh Levi hunny, wait."

The tall, dark man looked back to the flamboyant one with a lime green mohawk.

And then the pinky rose. "Mama Luss' can't turn down the pleas of her pubescent child. So what do you need?"

Levi was beyond pleased with the fact that Lussuria was willing to help him with his 'coolness issue.' Then again, when the man was having other issues in life (puberty ones), Lussuria was always the one to step in as the Mama. He then noticed that Superbi and Bel weren't walking away either; Levi thought for the first time, that he actually had friends. It was actually Lussuria holding the dirty magazine to Bel's back and keeping scissors to Squalo's.

Lussuria… you're too sly.

The thankful Varia man quickly explained his issue from the memories, and went on to tell them that he wants to change so he doesn't become 'Loser Levi.' Squalo mentioned that Loser Levi had a nice ring to it, making the loser instantly regret asking them for anything. But still wanting the change, Levi told them his plan.

"So I need you guys to tell me everything that isn't cool about me."

Lussuria's sunglasses darted from one side of the room to the other, and then up and down Levi's body. "You want the truth?"

Levi gulped. "I'm ready for it."

Squalo said, "Lose the stupid hair."

"What?"

Bel chimed, "And let me dispose of your uncool porn stash."

"What porn stash?"

"Well I've never liked your eyes."

"Your piercings are stupid."

"Your cologne smells like trash."

"The prince thinks the porn stash is trashy."

Their criticisms and criticisms went on and on for what seemed like hours. It was actually only about 20 minutes. But each one of those minutes, was a minute that another piece of Levi's self confidence crumbled. He found out that he was a loser, ugly, stupid, and that everyone knew of his porn stash. The three could have kept belittling him, but Levi could take no more.

"Okay, okay! I think I've heard enough." He looked at them all grimly. "Is there really nothing about me that's remotely cool?"

The three sat and pondered the question before Lussuria casually claimed, "I don't think so really. Maybe you should just die."

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT!"

"Shi shi shi…"

Since Levi literally felt no reason to live at this point, he could only walk away. But outside the study he saw him—the Boss. Like a knight in shining armor Xanxus valiantly ambled down the sun lit hallway. He stunned the Varia leader to a halt. Everything Xanxus was cool; everything Xanxus was aplomb. Levi gazed upon the feathery man as he passed him without a care. But there it was—that one slight second—Boss gave him a microscopic glance and nod. It instantly gave Levi the power to move forward.

Little did he know, that Xanxus' feather had tickled his cheek.

That microscopic glance was a glare only towards the feather.

I'll fucking kill you if you tickle me again, was the only thought as he nodded at the feather.

Levi would never know.

* * *

><p>A dusty, decrepit desktop sits in the corner of Levi's room. What was once a high-powered, super computer of 2004 was all the contrary now, but Levi still had the audacity to violently poke the power button. The old maid wheezed to life, and the monitor—that was poked to life in the same 'angry texter' fashion—made a small groan and sigh as it was brought to life as well.<p>

They both wanted to punch Levi.

No one wants to be woken after seven years of sleep.

No one.

On a creaky stool, in that dusty corner of Levi's room, sat the tall man hunched over the desktop that could only be defined as 'obsolete.' After looking at the list he wrote of everything lame about himself, and trying to figure ways to be cool on this own, the man became overwhelmed yet again. This time, his reaction was similar to Donkey Kong when he realizes there are no bananas.

"_KSLKGJNRIDSKLFSANDFGJPFL!"_

_The paper was ripped to shreds in the middle of the indescribable and unfathomable thrashing of the Wild Levi. _

_(Note to self: always have bananas for the man—or a picture of the Boss)_

The Varia leader studied the tattered paper that he spent a good thirty minutes taping back together. The unnecessary thrashing worked out in has favor though, because his old Compac Presario needed all those thirty minutes, just to get herself and her cane out of the closet for her Sunday drive to the Google Network. Levi looked back to the computer to realize grandma forgot her teeth.

[Would you like to update your Antivirus Software?]

Levi clicked 'No.'

[There are Updates available for your System. Would you like to download these Updates?]

Grandma needed her coffee too.

Levi clicked 'No.'

[Are you sure?]

"No!"

There was a violent click on the 'No."

[So you would like to install these Updates?]

"NO!"

Levi sadly went through the vicious cycle with Grandma until he finally realized that 'No' wasn't the answer for everything. So after finally giving the yes at the proper time, and putting grandma in her place (the back seat), he was on the "Internet." The Internet was a vastly large ocean that Levi was skeptical about, but he knew everyone talked about Google and how cool it was. Surely Google could give him an answer.

If Google couldn't, no one could.

Clicks, taps, and groans bounced off the dusty corner where Levi sat, but they all were part of the important process of finding Google. And it was found, Google, that is. And it was good. Levi liked the simplicity that was Google. One blank white page, one simple picture that said "Google" in fancy colors, a question box, and two buttons. This couldn't be easier, he thought. Like a cave man, Levi hunted and pecked for the keys that were needed to manifest his question for the Google machine, and like magic, the question appeared:

what is cool?

He clicked a magnifying glass button on the end of the question bar.

Like a sorcerer the Google machine worked, and in front of him were millions of websites wanting to tell him what's cool. There was even a dictionary explanation of cool, but he didn't think dictionary terms applied to his predicament, so dictionary dot com was overlooked today.

Thorough were the eyes that Levi used to aid his discovery of cool, and confused was the mind. How do I know which site is cooler? Which site has a cooler explanation? Are they even talking about the right cool? But wait, which is the right cool? Cool? Cool.

Cool.

Cool. Cool?

"DAMMIT! WHAT IS COOL?"

Levi decided to walk away and take a break—one hour into his search.  
>Cool is a tricky subject for the electric man.<p>

Taking a break by simply parading his non-coolness down the hallways, he took instances in his stride to observe the fellow leaders of Varia. In one room was Bel reading some kind of magazine while sitting upside down. He didn't really understand why anyone would want to sit on a couch with their feet where their head is supposed to be, or even why you would want to read a magazine in such a fashion. But Levi knew this didn't matter; Bel would simply say 'because I'm the prince.'

It seemed silly regardless of that fact, to Levi anyways.

In another room Lussuria was sketching on a piece of paper. It was something Levi often caught the muscular nak muay doing in this room. All around the sunglasses-wearing man were various fabrics, feather boas, clothing sketches taped to the walls, and one trusty sewing machine that Lussuria claimed 'has sewn it all.' Of course, Levi didn't understand the limey mohawk man's obsession for weird clothes. But this didn't matter; Lussuria could wear whatever he wanted 'because he was the gay dude in Varia.'

No one wanted the Lussuria after them—he made them taste rainbows.

With a shudder, Levi left those thoughts and marched elsewhere. Tromping, tromping, tromping—the troubled turkey toddled towards the tall towers. The training rooms resided in them, and Levi enjoyed their silence. But as the man tromped a little more inside the towers, and heard roars, whores, and bores echoed throughout with nuances of a familiar voice. The Varia leader glanced inside the room where the roars were the loudest to find Superbi Squalo practicing his sword techniques. Rage filled the man's psyche as he swung to his invisible opponent, adrenaline surged to the energy left over, and eyes widened to his mental victory. Levi couldn't see whom he was fighting, so he couldn't understand Squalo's anger. But this didn't matter; Squalo's undying passion didn't have to be understood 'because he was the Commander.'

Levi was beginning to see a trend.

Being lost in thought, the static-y man sauntered down the Varia hallways back to his room. On the precipice of something big, Levi took a longer way than usual in hopes of catching the thought in stride. The simple notion was so close yet so far from the man, like clouds in view from inside an airplane jetting somewhere exotic. He needed only one touch. Just one small swipe and—

"Levi A Than."

Levi lost the conception that had been so close to catching. He sighed and looked down to the baby in front of him. The leader of Varia didn't realize in his aimless wandering that his promenade led him to the foyer. He had also forgotten that Mammon was currently out on a mission. The cloaked baby had just returned, and after seeing Levi, decided to nicely say hello.

Levi responded, "Oh, hello Mammon."

"Why are you wandering around the house aimlessly?"

"I was thinking." Then from this statement, blossomed another idea. "May I ask you a question?"

One didn't have to see a reaction to know Mammon's excitement. "For the right price."

"What do you think is lame about me?"

"…" Mammon wasn't sure if Levi was being serious, then after a moment's contemplation, remembered how dim Levi had always been. "500 Euros."

"What!"

"You want an answer?"

The Varia man pondered angrily before succumbing. "Fine."

He fumbled in his wallet and handed Mammon the crisp bill. Mammon jumped faster than a jackrabbit and hid the chump change under his cloak. Then seeing Levi's desire for an answer, he grumbled smugly for a moment before answering.

"Your idiocy."

"WHAT?"

Mammon walked off.

Levi glared at the cloaked son-of-a-bitch, knowing he would never say that opinion out loud. It angered him that everything Mammon did was only with money in mind. He's a greedy little shit, thought Levi. Levi never felt an importance to save or hold money like that baby did. But this didn't matter; Mammon's greed and miser-like behavior didn't have to he understood 'because he was the Arcobaleno.'

Wait, thought Levi.

Bel is the Prince. Lussuria is the Gay Dude. Squalo is the Commander. Mammon is the Arcobaleno. And Boss? He's the Boss. But what am I? The other guy? I don't want to be other guy. I want to be cool—I want a title.

Levi found the first step to change.

The Varia leader stood alone in the marbled foyer, staring over the intricate and ornate designs all over the walls. His eyes even strained towards the ceiling, where the murals of various but important people of Varia and Vongola alike had been painted. He wasn't up there. But he wanted to be up there—that would be cool.

I need to be "the" something, thought Levi.

The Levi? No. I sound like a rapist.

The A? No. I sound like alphabet soup. Or a pedophile.

The Than.

Levi blinked. "The Than?"

He smiled and nodded. "The Than."

Looking at the stairwell that led to his quarters, Levi walked with a hop in his step. He wasn't quite cool, but he found his starting point. What he would do in the future wouldn't matter, because it would be done simply 'because he was **the Than**.'


End file.
